He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have fence marks all over my body
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