I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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