I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
