Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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