what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My cat gives me a boner
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
