Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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