I faked an abortion last night.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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