"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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