You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
