So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
