I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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