Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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