i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
