ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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