Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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