It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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