3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Randomize
