I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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