walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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