So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
