Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
