I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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