gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
