When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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