I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
