The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize