I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
