He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
