I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
