6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
