Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
