Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
