started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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