I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize