My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
