how can u be prego again
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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