***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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