all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
