you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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