She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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