I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
