she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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