I wish I only lived at night.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
