false alarm. still invincible.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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