if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize