Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
