that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
