Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize