The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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