I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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