If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
