ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
