Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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