yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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