she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
