Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
