so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she pinky promised me she was 18
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
