Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
