i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize