Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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