i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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