dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
