the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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