Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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