i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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