I smell stomach acid.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
